Well, recently I have been doing some thinking, and searching, and have been doing more rereading, and have come to a few conclusions and realizations. I have been having trouble with the kids lately, and to my ability to deal with them, and my own responses to them, I have been dreading having to deal with them at times, and that is not fun, so I spent some time and have determined why and how this has become a problem, and have started to resolve these issues, and so far so good.
Part of me felt angry quite a bit because the kids refused to listen and follow simple directions, but upon reflection I realized that I gave them so many directions that they became lost in the clutter, and became an annoying background noise to the kids. This anger caused me to react badly to their antics, but having realized that the source of my anger was my own over control I have backed off of the kids, and redirected my control toward my self and my own reactions. I have regained control of myself, and the kids are listening better, but I can tell when I slip back into dictator mode, as they start to get a glazed look and cannot follow simple directions. Annoyingly this ability to listen and follow directions, even a few simple ones, changes from kid to kid, and from time of day to amount of activity and tiredness level, so it constantly has to be readjusted, that is tough!! I also found that having our therapist in the house, and having her tell me how good the kids are, and how much they truly understand had been helpful, I get bogged down in the day to day without seeing the long view of how far they have all come in a short period of time.
In controlling my own reactions more than that of the kids I am calmer and feel more committed to this new family dynamic. At first being calmer was a force of willpower, but each day it comes easier, and now is not so hard to maintain and now hours, and days of less stressful daily life flow by. The kids are a bit less frenetic too, and since I can now see their triggers more clearly, and anticipate their actions and reactions better I can avert and divert some of their flare ups. Also by catching them unaware in their good behaviors and rewarding that they are effectively being reprogrammed.
One other major thing I have decided to do is to give each child 100% of my attention for a period of time every day. This is harder than anticipated, but doable since I am committed to it, but it is hard to give someone your whole attention for an extended period, automatically I start to plan ahead on what we will do next, or plan dinners, but try to redirect my attention back to the kiddo at hand. This is good for helping the kids to cope, talk concerns out and resolve friction we have been having that day, it is also a good time to cuddle and just hang, and each kid seems to appreciate the time alone.
I have also decided to give up any concerns of what others think about how we raise our kids, and what the norms for doing things are, and tried to go back to their own comforts and what helps them. For Gabe this means that I now lay down with him on my chest to fall asleep, it is his only comfort, hearing your heart beat, and feeling your warmth and skin, and it works in 10 minutes or less each time, no more fights. This is what his birth mother would have done when he slept, so I am recreating this atmosphere, and now we are both getting much more sleep, I go in and cuddle with him at 5-6am when he wakes and we sleep until 7am, this is a dream come true even though I have to curl up into his toddler bed/crib, a tight fit but I can make it work!!!
With Amelia we have changed the method we communicate, we prep her for questions, and then prompt her, we also cannot give her more than own direction at a time, so she is cued visually, with the schedule. We also need to control her motions when we are discussing important issues, this may freak some out since they would see us sitting with our legs wrapped around her, holding her hands firmly in one of ours, and her chin in the other hand, but for her this is necessary. Amelia escapes situations by avoiding them, and redirecting her attention inward, and to try to break this cycle we are forcing her to meet on our terms and our grounds, so that she understand the importance of certain things. It is effective, and since we do not use this power all the time for little things it will remain effective, but for her reinforcing good behavior, and long circuitous discussions of what we have discussed and what went wrong are the best method of dealing, nothing else works well.
Julianna has learned to ask for cuddle time, and we are often willing to drop everything to accommodate since this encourages her to ask not whine. I will even put Gabe down and make him walk in order to carry Julianna, crazy I know, but since they weigh about the same, and J holds on it is easier to carry her. Also she gave up all the rights to be carried when Gabe came home, so an occasional carry and cuddle is only fair, especially since she is great about going and playing with both kids and keeping them occupied and out of harms way when I need to go outside or make dinner things, so she gets treat of time and extra "babying"too.
So these are a few of our newest changes that we are making, and they seem to be working, and seriously if we had not read and reread the Spirited Child book we would still be floundering and aggravated. I am writing most of this partly to show the kids that we really are trying everything to make them fit and help them to grow(this is for future reference when they are teens and think we never loved them!!;) ) But also for people on our Forum who have asked to be allowed to read the blog, I feel obligated to write something helpful, and truthful, even though it shows that at times I am a terrible and impatient mother, but I am trying!!
I have to go now as it is time for snacks and I promised fresh squeezed juice, so I have to get cracking, Jamie
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