The final weeks

I know it is not considered very PC, or well accepted in the adoption community, but these last few weeks feel just like my last few weeks carrying Julianna. Physically this time I am not as tired, but everything else feels the same, I am waking in the middle of the night with my head whirling with to do lists, wondering if I am ready for this change, I am irritable and short tempered, very distracted and disorganized, all of it just like 5 years ago. Both having Julianna and having Amelia and Gabriel join our family are first time events for me, so I have no idea if this is normal. I am going on instinct and energy, and having faith it will work out the way God intends. Actually last time I had less faith, and it might have helped me cope with the last few weeks better if I had more belief in God and His plan for us. I am better equipped in the faith department this time, but as for parenting, this is not your average parenting, it is different and more challenging, hence the sleepless nights of spinning thoughts. I feel the same anticipation, tempered with caution, and overlaid with impatience, this part of bringing forth new life has not changed for me. I am continuously allowing my mind to wander, and day dream about our arrival in ET, and our homecoming, how it will go, how the kids will adjust, how much sleep will I get(!) but just like last time I pull myself back. Daydreaming happy little dreams is dangerous, it sets you up for a great disappointment and does not allow me to focus on the here and now. I am trying to do that more than last time, Julianna needs me more this time, last time she needed out:) She has sensed a change coming, and knows it is close, and has become a bit more clingy and needy, to be expected. I give her more cuddles at night, and rock her singing a lullaby, just trying to spend a bit more focused time with just her before our house implodes. For me it is soothing too, and a much missed stage, so I am enjoying it, although at times the cling is a bit aggravating, I do understand, and it would be no different if I was giving birth so this is a normal reaction on her part. We are trying to remain focused on the here and now, and our current reality, while planning for our soon to be reality, which is hard. Just like with Julianna it has been delayed, and we have no idea when "the day" will arrive. Yesterday we got a note from our SW who said we needed an ammendment for our homestudy, and it had to be at the ET embassy before we could travel, GGGRRRRRR!!! Our homestudy agency is going to try to expedite it through their channels and overnight it to CHS ASAP, but it feels just like when I went into hard false labor and went to the hospital and was sent home a few hours later. I felt at that time like someone had just sucker punched me, I wanted to wallow in tubs of ice cream and just cry and plead with this baby to come out. That is how I felt yesterday, but this time I was not suffering from depression already, so I recovered quickly and decided it was good, this delay, I still had so much to do, and friends we wanted to have dinner with , and this allowed time for that. So that is where I am now, I will post later about my plans for my possible depression, better known as PADS, but now I have to get ready for work and focus on the next few hours!!:)