We are the truth, adoption blogger day 4/15

I am not sure if I agree with the title this has been given, as I feel we are "A" truth, but not "The" truth. Even in saying that we are a truth does not fully encompass it, as at times, I feel I presented something that, now in retrospect is decidedly not the truth. The truth, from my perspective is hard, and wonderful, sadly wrenching, and joyously triumphant. I am one to often put on a good front to life, while seething, wrestling and wrangling with inner demons. Not the face of adoption the agencies use for their advertising, but maybe a bit more truthful than the glossy happy families they tout so temptingly to win your trust.

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with our agency, or the whole adoption experience, but now realize that the process is harder than you can possibly be prepared for. It is hard to wait, harder still to wait once you have seen your child in pictures. For us the travelling was wonderful, exciting, happy and interesting, and of course wrenching. Our joy was found at the heart wrenching choices of another mother, and this was brought home to us many times, in many faces throughout our stay in Ethiopia. There is truly nothing that compares to that living, breathing realization of the life and death choices that are played out behind the scenes, all while we sit and wait. It is hard, and I feel that it should be hard, if it was easy than I would not be connected to another mother, nor she to me, and I would not be worthy of the gifts she has bestowed upon me, it must be hard!

For me, it has been a struggle with each of our kids, in very different ways. I felt ill prepared to handle the distance I felt at times with Mia, we clash in many ways, and just her grace and willingness to bend has allowed us to find a happy space where we can thrive. If not for her grace and desire to love another mother, I would not have found that place to meet her. She showed me the way, and her resilience is a testimony to her birth mothers love and grace, and her own loving nature, more that anything I could ever give to her, or do for her.

While struggling to find common ground with Mia, I also struggled to realize that I could not fix my baby. Gabe was hurt and broken, but there was no magic bandaid I could use on him. I felt very betrayed for along time,then guilty for feeling that way for a while longer, but only started to realize and accept that this is normal in the last 6 months or so. It is hard to find out that the child you have grown to love has health issues that will affect them for life, and you can do nothing but hang on for the ride of your life, a ride you never signed up for, or wanted to take in the first place. I have come to realize that I have been blessed, not betrayed by the circumstances of Gabe's health. I was competent to handle his health issues and medical visits long before I was ready to handle the long term outlook. I have found that I need Gabe much more than he needs me, really, many parents would love him and care for him, and he would do well and thrive, but I needed G to grow, and stretch, and learn patience, so he has brought that to me. Now I find triumph in the small steps and little strides made every day and week, and know that in time Gabe will grow up to be exactly who God has intended him to be, and i will be cheering from the sidelines.

This is our true story, from my perspective, at this time. This is likely to change as time goes on, and as I grow as a mom and advocate for my children. This is not what I had imagined our adoption journey would be like, we are messy, noisy, unruly and not at all like the glossy advertisements of the adoption agency, but we are perfectly happy anyway, and that is our truth.