Nature versus nurture

Nature vs. nurture is a big deal in the adoption world. As an adopter I feel that I can overcome nature, and utilize nurture, and to some degree I am right, but also wrong. I did not believe that nature was as strong as it is, I truly believed I could, and had overcome it and that was a big mistake on my part, that sadly Mia suffered from it the most. I do not write this to flaunt my foolishness or showcase my mistakes for others amusement or disgust but I write this as a warning and reminder to others who have, or are adopting. I also write this to Mia as a reminder to her that I know what I have done, and am committed to mending the damage with her.
It is hard to adopt children when they are a bit older they come without the cute cuddliness of babies and the needs of toddlers, they are prepackaged, walking, talking, determination and opinions, and they are different. Now maybe there I am odd but J was such an easy kid and she is enough like me to be able to intuitively know what to not do or how not to behave, she just knows, it is ingrained. Gabe was such a baby when he came home, pretty helpless and in great need of everything, and (this baffles me still) he is a boy so I am genetically predisposed to attach to him easier and more, he is my baby boy even now. Mia had neither of these things going for her, she was a girl, she was capable of taking care of herself, and she did not have that ingrained knowledge. Let me say here that this was NOT an issue when the kids first came home, we all bonded really well, Mia fit right in and life was pretty good. The problems began when the "new family glow" wore off and I assumed that we were all well bonded, and no longer needed to worry about attachment and all that goes into it (this was many months after they were home FYI).
Mia and I are quite a bit alike, making for a more difficult relationship, it is hard to see your bad habits in your kids and not want to correct them. Also she is so close in age to Julianna that it is easy to forget that English is her 3rd language, and she does not know all the details of life that J grew up with. Also and most frustrating for me is this she was adopted, so she has learned of love and loss, and she has created a space inside herself that she retreats to that no one can reach. This space is hard for me, as I cannot get through to her in order to deal with what ever the trouble is, oohhhh frustrating. I am a, deal-with-it-and-let-it-go, kind of person, so for me this is hard to deal with, and Mia has a brain that only processes a few things a ta time, so she cannot think when she senses she is in trouble, her brain short circuits and runs in circles, I swear you can almost hear the squeaky wheel spinning:).
For me what is natural with Mia is not the best approach, so I have to subvert my own instinct, infinitely harder than I had ever imagined. With J and G my nature and nurture are pretty much in line, but with Mia they are skewed at right angles, and I feel often like I am pulling myself apart and putting myself back together 10-20 times per day, very tiring(thankfully I am a Gemini so I am used to being a split personality;). With Mia parenting actually had to become a new job that I learned the skills to, sadly there seems to be no manual for this job, and I have blundered many a time:(. Mia is forgiving in this, and she is learning to subvert her own nature of retreating inward so both of us are working to make our nature more accommodating to the other, challenging, but necessary to a peaceful and happy life in our house.
I do not write this so that everyone can wonder at what at truly horrible parent I am, I try to be a good mom, but I am human and I have screwed up, and am only now able to admit to myself and Mia just how much. She is fully aware of the work we do together and how important it is, and how hard it can be. In time she will also see that gap in time where we all thought life was going along fine, but truly things were shifting and not realigning properly, and life was fracturing in small places inside. I am forever thankful that we stopped the fracturing before it became a full on earthquake, but sad that they occurred at all. I truly wish that I had known that the faces of attachment, and that a happy smiling girl who loved her mommy, did not truly depend and trust her, I wish I had known to watch for those minute little cues that existed months ago to tell me something was breaking. I wish, I wish, I wish...
A few weeks ago in church the pastor quoted the Bible verse John 1:38 "Jesus turned and saw them following and saith unto them "what seek ye?" ". For the rest of the sermon I was deaf to all around me, I turned that over in my head what did I seek, why was I there? I have come to the conclusion that I go to church some days for strength, patience, guidance, understanding, but mostly, because I am Mia to God, very capable but with a fragile core that needs help to strengthen and grow. So Mia should receive the same blessings and love that I receive. This is why I go to church, to be reminded that it is in my nature to nurture, and Mia needs a more intuitive approach that requires me to work against my own inclination, but as she works too it balances out.
Just to reassure all, Amelia and I are doing fine, she understands that she needs to work toward me as much as I need to work toward her, fighting our natures to find a common ground to be together. We both work to nurture our new found space where we are in harmony, and it becomes easier to do, not so much of a fight against our natures anymore. This is something that could have been done months ago if I had known that it needed to be done, that this work was needed. We are doing it now, and seem to be doing quite well so I am thankful yet again for such a sweet and amazing little girl who is willing to forgive her mommy and work to make a better life and love for the both of us.
If you are adopting please do not assume that after months or even years of work that your work is all done reevaluate often. Be certain that your communication is open and understood by all parties, and be willing to admit you screwed up totally, accept it, and move to repair the damage done. I wish I knew these things, and wish I knew how strong nature was, and how much nurture followed it, now I work to let my nurture lead my nature more, and it is working:)!!!!
Thank you to God for the guidance and strength that allows me to admit these things, and the patience to go on when it gets tough, and thanks to my hubby for being there to help me sort this all out and reevaluate, and thanks most to Amelia for loving me in spite of my blunders and missteps, I love you baby girl. Jamie