Lately I have been having a hard time in not telling casual strangers that G has a disability. It is like adoption but worse for me. I sometimes feel the need to explain to people why we look different, and in the adoption world this is kind of a no-no, it makes the child/ren feel awkward and different, and like they are an unusual species to be examined(or this is how I would feel as that child). So in adoption you do not just come out and state that your kids are adopted to all who inquire, but I love that they are adopted and I love Ethiopia, and want others to think about it and love it too, so for me this is a hard thing to reconcile. I do tell others that they are adopted and a few facts about Ethiopia itself, nothing personal to them, but they hear me and know mommy is proud of their heritage and claim no rights to their beauty either!! For G to have CP puts a whole different spin on things, I have to bite my tongue to not just say it sometimes. In church last week a man came up and introduced himself, and shook hands with all of us, when he got to G he held out his hand and G just took it and held it in his left hand. The man gave me a funny look and it was all I had to not tell him G does not use his right hand well due to CP. He is young still so this can be passed over for now, but as he gets older certain things will become more noticeable and I hate to label my baby as "disabled" to the world, with all of its connotations and misconceptions, even if he is. I also hate for him to hear that he is disabled and to think that way, that he is not "abled" to do anything he wants, I want him to think of himself as "differently abled", and that he can do anything he wants in other more creative ways than the rest of us. I dont want this label to be a cop out for him or others, even myself, as I will sometimes let him off the hook for things just because he has a hard time or is having a bad day from therapy. I don't want to feed into his psyche that he is different and has different standards set for him, he will get this enough from the world, I hate that he could get it from me too!! So I bite my tongue and say nothing when others look at him and study him to try and put their fingers on exactly what is different about him. I know that while G struggles with certain things, God has made sure that in the big stuff he has a pure heart and loving spirit, and that is what truly matters!!
This ramble is what I determined after sitting for nearly 2 hours while a huge machine looked at tiny slices of my babies brain. I watched for 2 hours for the smallest movement that told me he still breathed, and listened to his heart monitor for any changes in rhythm, and prayed like I have never prayed before, in a very concentrated and dedicated manner. I talked to God, and prayed for guidance, and sat very still and listened, and while the whole ordeal was very exhausting it was also very uplifting and I felt calmer and more in control. We have all had a better week since and so now I just need to find another 2 hour block next week to pray, or maybe just a 1/2 hour a few times a week will do, or maybe I just need to listen more when I do pray, I am not sure but intend to continue to find out.
Love to all I have to go now to get ready for early church, 3kids plus a hubby to get ready by 8am, YIKES!!!!! ;) Jamie