burdened by a blessing

I have recently been contemplating how swiftly time is passing, it seemed only a few weeks ago that Jon and I turned in our completed dossier and went onto the "waiting for referral" list for our adoption. In fact months have passed, almost three!! We have beern so long in the planning and waiting stage that our adoption has remained sort of unreal and ephemeral for me. Much like my pregnancy with Julianna, I could feel her move but was not connected to her as a person, she was there and alive, but not real to me the way she is now, and became at her birth. I have recently started to understand both the blessing and burden that adoption brings. Many have spoken of it on our adoption forum, but I had not paid attention and it had not felt very burdensome to me, until recently.
I have just begun to realize that while I am busy praying for our children to come to us quickly, another is praying for the time to stretch just a little longer. Our children are spending their last weeks in the loving arms of their Ethiopian family, being cherished and loved enough that it might last a lifetime, while I wait to love and cherish them for the rest of their lifetimes. Another is now preparing to give her children a life she cannot provide, and I wonder if I am not a coward since I cannot say that I could do the same and allow Julianna to leave my side for long. The thought of making this choice and preparing for it make me ache, and sob, and feel ashamed of myself for wanting them faster. I am now preparing to take on the burden of another mother, one who is longing to keep that burden for her own, I am sure. I am honored and humbled by the gift this unknown family is placing with us, trusting us implicitly to treasure, and nurture, but never truly knowing if this is happening. I have a hole in my soul that will soon be filled with more love and laughter, but another has a small tear in her soul that will grow when she gives our children that final loving kiss goodbye. I am honored to carry the burden of these children, and endeavor to allow them just a bit more time to be loved and cherished before they are placed in our arms.
All of our children are a blessing to Jon and I, and this adoption has made us more aware of the great gifts we have received, and I wish to always keep in the forefront of my mind that another lost so much, and I gained from that loss, and this is a burden and a blessing both, and I offer up my heartfelt thanks that another could be so selfless. I will bear the burden of this blessing and will try to live up to all of the hopes and wishes that this decision was made with, and will love our children with every thing I am so that this will not have been a wasted choice.