a big step forward

Well, I have finished it, a big step forward, for me at least. I recently packed up all of Julianna's newborn clothes. I had given some to my sister in law when she was pregnant, but kept many things that i loved. I decided this past weekend to pack those things up and give them to charity. It was not as hard as i thought it would be, i enjoyed looking at all of the cute and sweet little things Julianna used to fit into, but it was not as wrenching as the first few times i had tried to do the job.
I know it seems that this should be easy since we are adopting, but accepting that i won't carry more babies, and accepting that i will not have more infants are two very different things. I have really struggled with letting go of the newborn and infant stage, but have gotten to a place where i see now how fleeting this stage is. I think that this acceptance has come harder to me than i imagined because i now regret letting this time pass in Julianna's life without giving it as much thought as i might have. I feel the same way about my pregnancy, that if i had known it was my only one i may have explored it more, and enjoyed it more, instead of going on with life as if it was a natural and normal thing and nothing to be hugely concerned about. Of course knowing me I probably would not really have changed anything even with hindsight(or foresight in this case).
So my loss of infancy had become Julianna and her dollies gains. The dollies now have a lovely new wardrobe of baby Gap newborn clothes(thanks to Tia!!) and a few fave little sweaters. I have of course kept a few favorite things, special hats and her coming home from the hospital outfit, but the rest is off to babies who need them, now i need to begin on my collection of maternity clothes, but that is for a different day, only so many little regrets and memories can be boxed up at one time, the others can wait a few more weeks i think.
On the up side we have just sent in our dossier papers and should receive word in a few days the we are "paper pregnant". This term is not regarded by all adoptive parents as appropriate language, but this is how we regard our adoption, and we are comfortable with the term, so we use it! So we essentially expecting again!!!!!YEAH!!! We have high hopes to bring home our new additions before the end of the year, so about the same length as a pregnancy, but this time i can drink(and may resort to it if the wait drags on:) ) and i intend to lose weight this time not gain, and our house will go through major cosmetic and organizational changes to accomodate two more members, but we are excited and nervous, and just can't wait to have our new little ones "delivered" into our arms!!!
will post more when we get word of our expectancy, jamie