adoptions heavy side

Adoption, often we think of this in the most glowing, and exciting of way. But, there is a dark underbelly that gets pushed under the rug until it cannot be ignored. I am not good at ignoring the dirt under the rug, just too curious and questing I guess. With adoption the dirt under the rug often comes in the form of uncertainty in the birth parents rights, or the veracity of the birth families story.
This heavy and conflicting topic has recently come up on our adoption forum, and there has been a very lively and interesting discussion on the issues. I am trying very hard to read up, and understand the reasons, and the long term impacts that some inconsistencies have in the long road ahead. This is a very distressing, and downright scary topic at this stage of the adoption process, but a necessary one I think, since very little of parenting comes with a guarantee of it being easy, or without strife and stress on a parents part.
Let me say that our agency is not involved in any underhanded or ethically wrong dealings, but this is more parents finding out a slightly different story upon meeting their children in ET, or meeting the remaining birth family. Some of this can be contributed to a family member fudging the birth info slightly in hopes of their child being "more adoptable"(in their opinion not the agencies). This is understandable, as is the possibility of families not completely understanding the concept of adoption in the same way we do, and not truly willing to accept the finalty and lack of support and contact that they may receive from their birth children in their adulthood. I do not write this to make anyone wonder why we have chosen to adopt from ET, but to help to explain our reticence(future tense meant here) in divulging our children's story. As we do not have every detail of their first home and life, their story is not complete, and makes us unable to explain or understand certain behaviors. When we meet their remaining family I plan to ask many questions, and to ascertain their hopes, dreams and expectations for these children. I do this for us, but also for our children, they need to know if possible, what their family thought, and hoped for, and that their family was thinking of them when they made this plan for adoption. These questions will be hard, and I do not want to ask them, my stomach churns just thinking of this painful and heartwrenching conversation. But I refuse to allow my own fears and inadequacies stop me from digging for every morsel of love, since these will be parts of our childs history that they will return to time and again for validation and strength. The information I get from these meetings will be precious to our child's identity, and they will be things that I as a parent cannot provide for them, except in the most basic sense of telling them. I will have given them all of my love, but they will need more, they will need to know that they were wanted and loved, and their loss is still a poignant ache. I cannot give them this, and that as much as anything is painful to accept.
Darn Forum, for making me contemplate these hard topics!!! Just kidding, sort of. I am glad to have to be confronted with some of the more painful aspects of the adoption process, since so far it has helped us to grow and broaden our perspectives and educated our minds and hearts, and helped us to not be blindsided by some very painful conversational topics in the future. Just don't expect a full disclosure when we receive a referral, we will guard the kids birth story until we are all ready to divulge the intimate details that may, or may not be culturally acceptable and culturally understandable.
Sorry to have rambled, but this often helps to bring cohesion to my thoughts and create order and a sense of preparedness(an illusion I am sure but MY Illusion!!!!)
Blessings to all, and a good start to all of my nieces an nephews in school!!
Jamie